Dating should not be allowed until 17
If you’re in early dating, don’t hesitate to have a grownup, direct conversation about his readiness to feel deep connection with another woman. And I want to thank and honor you all for sharing so thoughtfully and honestly. But I would like to dig just a little deeper than I did with my initial writing.I just think the whole situation is disrespectful to me and her behavior is very inappropriate.He’s letting her do that to me and to our relationship.The first time I met his mom, she could not stop talking about the ex.She told me their entire dating story, why they broke up, how the ex-girlfriend’s parents still think my boyfriend is the best guy for her (oh yeah, the mom is also good friends with the ex girlfriend’s parents). I did have a discussion with my boyfriend after this incident, and he thought his mom was inappropriate.And my answer may surprise you: widowers are some of they best, most eligible, grownup men out there. Well, for starters, a man who had a good, long marriage can be a great catch! But they developed great communication and worked through them. You don’t know the situation – maybe she was sick a long time which often means he’s ready to start new…learn his story, don’t make assumptions. I can’t even imagine the agony of living through that at any time of one’s life; certainly any time before, say, our 80s.One of the most important things I help women with is becoming good pickers – you know, being able to spot the gems even when they’re not the obvious, shiny ones. He probably knows how to love, communicate, commit, work through problems and misses being married. I dated several widowers in my single decades and had an extended relationship with one.
And when it’s gone, he’s left with the kids (maybe) and his job (maybe). So if he knows what he wants and is ready for love again, he takes his search for a new partner seriously – and that’s the gem of dating a widower. But, as with all of those other big life experiences, being widowed isn’t the end of the story. Together they are traveling the world and running marathons. And it’s not like she had to ‘make him’ do it – he loved adding that to his life! Some have remained in great relationships with them (like Karen above).Let’s get clear on what a dating and relationship hiatus is: It’s basically putting your romantic activities on pause so that you can take time to not only break a pattern but to also get to know you, so that when you do re-open your romantic doors, that you are coming from a healthier place.It should be a positive choice to take time out, not the equivalent of being put on the naughty step, because if you’re effectively sulking, stropping, and feeling hard done by, mindset affects actions so you’re not going to be behind your decision as you’ll be undermining it instead.Now just so we’re clear, dating and relationship hiatuses tend to be 3-6 months, sometimes longer and they are an in your future. You can let go of all the bullshit, get a clear head and some perspective so you can own your own and let others own theirs instead of taking ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour, plus you can be free of the burden that many people give themselves of either waiting to be chosen by someone or being a performing seal and trying to convince and convert.After your ‘detox’, you can re-enter the dating world bright-eyed and bushy tailed, as well as personally secure because if you commit to your decision, you will also be far less likely to accept crumbs in future because you’ll have been a responsible provider and supporter of you – why would you accept less than what you can already do for yourself?